Stiff Wind.

All afternoon there was a stiff wind passing through that blew the leaves and branches off our trees and made me duck when it became too brisk.

I knew it had happend. I knew in my heart that Uncle George had passed and his massive spirit was seeking home...and saying hello on his way through to Wheeling West Virginia.

I got the call this afternoon...knowing already... he'd died at 8:15 this morning.

There are some forces of nature you have to respect and realize. Great Uncle George is one of them. He was massive, decided his own fate and realized that what came after him was extremely special.

We all are. Special I mean. However, I feel...just simply ... that all of the grownups have completely left the room.

I loved him.

I'll Be Strong

I'm listening to Nils Lofgren and a song he wrote "I'll Be Strong".

Hard comfort tonight.

Dan's Great Grand Uncle at 99 next month is in a rehad center because the hospital can't do anything more for him. He's hoping we could come down, but husband has a big business deal next week and I can't get to him. Perhaps the following week, if we're not too late.

Rebecca's nephew is still in hospital. After contracting a virus at 18 months and having numerous brain surgeries, they have replace the front skull plate but he's running a low grade temperature and was supposed to be released from hospital four days ago. They are keeping him. MRI's are fine.

God.

Life for me has been "stop and go" for the last few months. I would love to write something fantastical in prose or poetry, but my heart just isn't into it.

I think I would love to marry some little pill that would make everything better, but this is life...MY LIFE...and I will deal with it as I see fit.

I wonder if anyone will even read this.

Going Home Again (You Can't)

They say you can't go home again

it feels so trite until you try it

reaching down so deep it

cuts your very soul

We came home again last weekend

back to a fishbowl of places we don't remember

faces we barely recognize

holed up in a hotel in our own

hometown, the entire family of seven with spouses...

wishing.

Then a trip to the farm

our father's birthplace -

I remember from babyhood.

No one else did.

It seems we all have memories

seperate in age and growth

but feel the need to get back

to where we have those

first memories.

Mine are the oldest.

I felt discounted. Mine didn't matter.

I remember the smoke house, now gone.

I remember and regailed the youngest grandgirls

of the black snake skin hung over the cellar door...

the cows in the barn-the chickens in the coop where colored

Easter chicks found their home....later their demise for Sunday

Supper.

Had to catch myself when I became so overwhelmed with

memories I wept. Not a good thing on a happy occasion, but I'd not been back since my Grandfather died, and had only visited

in my dreams.

Look, there is the barn. I remember rowboating as a girl, not much

bigger than you, and catching fish in this river!

I remember corn as tall as grandpa! I remember tomatoes that filled

both hands. I remember running until your feet hit the chestnut hulls and

squeeling in pain...in pain!

I remember chestnut trees. I wonder if anyone else does.

No. You can't go home again. It's never the same.

Even if the Chestnut tree trunk is there, and the house has been re-roofed, and the windows have been changed.

The boxwoods are gone. The smoke house has been destroyed.

...Yet, as I looked out over the hill at the barn, I could drop to my knees and visualize it as a five year old and remember.

The New Year

I look around this place I love and think how I have neglected it for so long. Touching the table next to me, my finger draws a line in the dust.

Sad, really that dust must cloud my mind. I guess I could excuse myself with preoccupation. That is not an excuse. I have neglected my blog. I have neglected my thoughts. I’m looking at the cobwebs on the ceiling and thinking I must do something. … ANYTHING !

Forgive me if you are a regular reader. It’s been a tough couple of months. Allow me to appeal to you with this:

Steal gray skies and another threat of snow
Worries gather in my soul
And allow no entry of sunshine

I must fight it
Knowing that it could defeat me
I search for the sun

Only to look up
And see nothing but gray
I have no fight left

Praying the crocus do….

Hands of Time

I look at my hands these days and they remind me of my mother. Where in the world did these wrinkles come from? What have I done?

I tend them properly, lotions and creams. I polish my nails with a block made of silicone and diamonds. Yet...

when I open my hands why do the remind me of my mothers?

I wonder......

Trick and Treat!

Happy Halloween!

Brick Wall

I'm beating my head against a brick wall tonight. Please don't mind me while I vent a bit. I sometimes have to actually remind myself to breath.

Dan had a doctors appointment today to discuss his latest blood work-up for his cholesterol, high blood pressure etc.

The readings were not good. He's off the Cholesterol medication because it hurt him, however his readings said that his Cholesterol has doubled in six months.

We are eating fatty fish three times a week. I cook and serve only olive oil. We eat high fiber grain bread. I've reduced salt. (His sodium levels are down) I've taken great pains to do portions and try to moderate what he eats. He exercises. He walks (runs) the damn dog.

What the hell am I doing wrong? I know he is genetically pre-dispositioned to high cholesterol, but I've read everything I could get my hands on and was doing it all right!

Tomorrow we start Pomagranate Juice, Grapefruit Juice and Cinnamon. The alternative is making him take pharmacuticals that will make him feel worse than better.

Blllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Tonight, I could just look like Gene Wilder when he was thrown off the Silverstreak one time too many.

"sonofabitch!!!!!!!"" Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

First Fire

I had not noticed the change
of color or the waning mix
of smells like used pencils
or colors the scent of library books

I have been preoccupied with the
state of the nation
interest rates
the stock market
Government has stolen
the pure delight of autumn
from me

I had not noticed until
it came upon me today
full fledged fury of
wind, rain and dropping
temperatures…until
I was forced to
Cheat and light a wax log
For heat

It served it’s purpose.

Everything seemed mellower
..but still it felt hurried.

Crisis

I was one of the lucky ones. I knew my grandparents into my teens and had lots of time to talk to them.

The economic picture in America is really rough right now. I’m not sure we will be able to continue as we are. Will we be able to follow the American dream and pay off our house and retire? Will we be able to live long enough to see our grandchildren born? Who knows.

But I am one of the lucky ones. I got to speak to my grandparents about living without. Something the kids of this day only hear about second hand. I have the straight scoop.

1. If it’s broken get it fixed. If you don’t mind doing it yourself, borrow a book from the library and just simply fix it. Don’t even think about buying a new one. Fix it and be grateful.

2. Store enough food to last you at least six months. If you don’t have a freezer, learn to can. Visit your local super store and stock up on canned meat, vegetables and fruits. Get emergency supplies like bottled water, bread, staples like flour – sugar – etc.

3. Don’t let your gas tank go below 1/8th of a tank. Even for short runs, make sure that gas tank is topped off.

4. If the sun is shining and it’s chilly, close the windows and open the drapes. Use the sun to heat your home. If it’s cold, make sure you have an alternative heat supply. Cut down trees if you have a fireplace. Get blankets. Wear more clothes.

5. Stock up on your vices. If you smoke, buy cartons. If you drink, buy gallons. Store things in a cool dark place. Learn to make your own.

6. If you are on prescription drugs make sure you have enough to get you through a crisis. Fill prescriptions on a regular basis. Keep a certain place in your home for a first aid kit. Stock it with pain killers, aspirin, antibiotics and Band-Aids.

7. Don’t waste anything. If you fix a meal and have leftovers, freeze them for a hasty lunch.

8. Make sure you have backup batteries for everything you own - Radios, flashlights, alarm clocks. You will need emergency candles and fire starters for the fireplace if you have one. I make my own firestarters from cardboard egg cartons, lint from the dryer and old candles. Handy. A wind up emergency radio will keep you posted in A.M. to anything unusual.

9. Make sure you have at least 20 gallons of water per person for drinking and cooking. Buy containers that are food grade and keep them in a cool dry place. Make sure the back of your toilet is always full.

10. Keep reading material always at hand. Board games as well will help to keep the mind active during long black outs.

11. Don’t forget your pets. Stock up on Dog, Cat or whatever food you might need in an emergency. They have to eat too.

Thank God I had Grandparents who talked to me. Thank God for the parents that taught me.

I’m going to settle in now and listen to “W” talk about how the foxes are in the hen house.

Please let us all pray for a better tomorrow.

Book Review - The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

I never do this. I don’t recommend a book to anyone. My tastes might offend someone, so I don’t recommend books, movies or recipes.

I will make exception in this case.

If you do not read another book in your lifetime, please pick up a copy of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski.

This is where I have been for the last little while. Reading.

I was forbidden from reading at the dinner table, as my tears put a damper on polite conversation.

I was forbidden to read in the same room as my husband because my inadvertent exclamations made him uneasy.

I had to put the book down, several times, to walk away (as it were) …but it continued to call me. “Read the next page. Read the next chapter!”

When I finally exhaled at the last sentence of the final chapter, I felt as if I’d lost a friend. I wanted terribly to open it again and start rereading. (The library called and there is a long list of people that want to read it so reluctantly, I have to give it up.)

Anyone who reads this book will remember the dog they had as a child. They will look at their own dog and realize that the secret life and thoughts there are precious.

This is not just a book about dogs.

It’s about love and trust. Not simply the love and trust of an animal, although the dogs thoughts are so compelling one finds themselves in tears at the pure love. It’s about trust of family, trust of love and trust of one’s own instincts.

This book doesn’t need to strain to stand alongside Steinbeck. There are references to Rudyard Kipling, but also a general feeling of Hamlet by William Shakespeare. Toss in some Steven King or Dean Koontz and you have a book worthy of becoming the next Modern Classic.

Go to the library and get on the list. (I’m sure there is one.) Then read it. Then if you know a boy buy it for him for Christmas.

To think this is David Wroblewski’s only published piece and it took him ten years to write! This author MUST be praised. I only hope he doesn’t go into a “puppy mill” phase, forced to produce. (Pun intended)

Before you go to the library, down your dog – look into his or her eyes – praise him or her and give them a hug.