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Stiff Wind.

2009-09-28T20:35:00.002-04:00

All afternoon there was a stiff wind passing through that blew the leaves and branches off our trees and made me duck when it became too brisk.

I knew it had happend. I knew in my heart that Uncle George had passed and his massive spirit was seeking home...and saying hello on his way through to Wheeling West Virginia.

I got the call this afternoon...knowing already... he'd died at 8:15 this morning.

There are some forces of nature you have to respect and realize. Great Uncle George is one of them. He was massive, decided his own fate and realized that what came after him was extremely special.

We all are. Special I mean. However, I feel...just simply ... that all of the grownups have completely left the room.

I loved him.

I'll Be Strong

2009-08-01T19:37:00.003-04:00

I'm listening to Nils Lofgren and a song he wrote "I'll Be Strong".

Hard comfort tonight.

Dan's Great Grand Uncle at 99 next month is in a rehad center because the hospital can't do anything more for him. He's hoping we could come down, but husband has a big business deal next week and I can't get to him. Perhaps the following week, if we're not too late.

Rebecca's nephew is still in hospital. After contracting a virus at 18 months and having numerous brain surgeries, they have replace the front skull plate but he's running a low grade temperature and was supposed to be released from hospital four days ago. They are keeping him. MRI's are fine.

God.

Life for me has been "stop and go" for the last few months. I would love to write something fantastical in prose or poetry, but my heart just isn't into it.

I think I would love to marry some little pill that would make everything better, but this is life...MY LIFE...and I will deal with it as I see fit.

I wonder if anyone will even read this.

Going Home Again (You Can't)

2009-03-21T20:13:00.006-04:00

They say you can't go home again

it feels so trite until you try it

reaching down so deep it

cuts your very soul

We came home again last weekend

back to a fishbowl of places we don't remember

faces we barely recognize

holed up in a hotel in our own

hometown, the entire family of seven with spouses...

wishing.

Then a trip to the farm

our father's birthplace -

I remember from babyhood.

No one else did.

It seems we all have memories

seperate in age and growth

but feel the need to get back

to where we have those

first memories.

Mine are the oldest.

I felt discounted. Mine didn't matter.

I remember the smoke house, now gone.

I remember and regailed the youngest grandgirls

of the black snake skin hung over the cellar door...

the cows in the barn-the chickens in the coop where colored

Easter chicks found their home....later their demise for Sunday

Supper.

Had to catch myself when I became so overwhelmed with

memories I wept. Not a good thing on a happy occasion, but I'd not been back since my Grandfather died, and had only visited

in my dreams.

Look, there is the barn. I remember rowboating as a girl, not much

bigger than you, and catching fish in this river!

I remember corn as tall as grandpa! I remember tomatoes that filled

both hands. I remember running until your feet hit the chestnut hulls and

squeeling in pain...in pain!

I remember chestnut trees. I wonder if anyone else does.

No. You can't go home again. It's never the same.

Even if the Chestnut tree trunk is there, and the house has been re-roofed, and the windows have been changed.

The boxwoods are gone. The smoke house has been destroyed.

...Yet, as I looked out over the hill at the barn, I could drop to my knees and visualize it as a five year old and remember.

The New Year

2009-01-22T19:53:00.003-05:00

I look around this place I love and think how I have neglected it for so long. Touching the table next to me, my finger draws a line in the dust.

Sad, really that dust must cloud my mind. I guess I could excuse myself with preoccupation. That is not an excuse. I have neglected my blog. I have neglected my thoughts. I’m looking at the cobwebs on the ceiling and thinking I must do something. … ANYTHING !

Forgive me if you are a regular reader. It’s been a tough couple of months. Allow me to appeal to you with this:

Steal gray skies and another threat of snow
Worries gather in my soul
And allow no entry of sunshine

I must fight it
Knowing that it could defeat me
I search for the sun

Only to look up
And see nothing but gray
I have no fight left

Praying the crocus do….

Hands of Time

2008-12-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

I look at my hands these days and they remind me of my mother. Where in the world did these wrinkles come from? What have I done?

I tend them properly, lotions and creams. I polish my nails with a block made of silicone and diamonds. Yet...

when I open my hands why do the remind me of my mothers?

I wonder......

Trick and Treat!

2008-10-30T08:34:00.002-04:00

Happy Halloween!

Brick Wall

2008-10-07T19:41:00.005-04:00

I'm beating my head against a brick wall tonight. Please don't mind me while I vent a bit. I sometimes have to actually remind myself to breath.

Dan had a doctors appointment today to discuss his latest blood work-up for his cholesterol, high blood pressure etc.

The readings were not good. He's off the Cholesterol medication because it hurt him, however his readings said that his Cholesterol has doubled in six months.

We are eating fatty fish three times a week. I cook and serve only olive oil. We eat high fiber grain bread. I've reduced salt. (His sodium levels are down) I've taken great pains to do portions and try to moderate what he eats. He exercises. He walks (runs) the damn dog.

What the hell am I doing wrong? I know he is genetically pre-dispositioned to high cholesterol, but I've read everything I could get my hands on and was doing it all right!

Tomorrow we start Pomagranate Juice, Grapefruit Juice and Cinnamon. The alternative is making him take pharmacuticals that will make him feel worse than better.

Blllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Tonight, I could just look like Gene Wilder when he was thrown off the Silverstreak one time too many.

"sonofabitch!!!!!!!"" Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

First Fire

2008-10-01T20:21:00.003-04:00

I had not noticed the change
of color or the waning mix
of smells like used pencils
or colors the scent of library books

I have been preoccupied with the
state of the nation
interest rates
the stock market
Government has stolen
the pure delight of autumn
from me

I had not noticed until
it came upon me today
full fledged fury of
wind, rain and dropping
temperatures…until
I was forced to
Cheat and light a wax log
For heat

It served it’s purpose.

Everything seemed mellower
..but still it felt hurried.

Crisis

2008-09-24T20:02:00.001-04:00

I was one of the lucky ones. I knew my grandparents into my teens and had lots of time to talk to them.

The economic picture in America is really rough right now. I’m not sure we will be able to continue as we are. Will we be able to follow the American dream and pay off our house and retire? Will we be able to live long enough to see our grandchildren born? Who knows.

But I am one of the lucky ones. I got to speak to my grandparents about living without. Something the kids of this day only hear about second hand. I have the straight scoop.

1. If it’s broken get it fixed. If you don’t mind doing it yourself, borrow a book from the library and just simply fix it. Don’t even think about buying a new one. Fix it and be grateful.

2. Store enough food to last you at least six months. If you don’t have a freezer, learn to can. Visit your local super store and stock up on canned meat, vegetables and fruits. Get emergency supplies like bottled water, bread, staples like flour – sugar – etc.

3. Don’t let your gas tank go below 1/8th of a tank. Even for short runs, make sure that gas tank is topped off.

4. If the sun is shining and it’s chilly, close the windows and open the drapes. Use the sun to heat your home. If it’s cold, make sure you have an alternative heat supply. Cut down trees if you have a fireplace. Get blankets. Wear more clothes.

5. Stock up on your vices. If you smoke, buy cartons. If you drink, buy gallons. Store things in a cool dark place. Learn to make your own.

6. If you are on prescription drugs make sure you have enough to get you through a crisis. Fill prescriptions on a regular basis. Keep a certain place in your home for a first aid kit. Stock it with pain killers, aspirin, antibiotics and Band-Aids.

7. Don’t waste anything. If you fix a meal and have leftovers, freeze them for a hasty lunch.

8. Make sure you have backup batteries for everything you own - Radios, flashlights, alarm clocks. You will need emergency candles and fire starters for the fireplace if you have one. I make my own firestarters from cardboard egg cartons, lint from the dryer and old candles. Handy. A wind up emergency radio will keep you posted in A.M. to anything unusual.

9. Make sure you have at least 20 gallons of water per person for drinking and cooking. Buy containers that are food grade and keep them in a cool dry place. Make sure the back of your toilet is always full.

10. Keep reading material always at hand. Board games as well will help to keep the mind active during long black outs.

11. Don’t forget your pets. Stock up on Dog, Cat or whatever food you might need in an emergency. They have to eat too.

Thank God I had Grandparents who talked to me. Thank God for the parents that taught me.

I’m going to settle in now and listen to “W” talk about how the foxes are in the hen house.

Please let us all pray for a better tomorrow.

Book Review - The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

2008-09-23T19:43:00.001-04:00

I never do this. I don’t recommend a book to anyone. My tastes might offend someone, so I don’t recommend books, movies or recipes.

I will make exception in this case.

If you do not read another book in your lifetime, please pick up a copy of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski.

This is where I have been for the last little while. Reading.

I was forbidden from reading at the dinner table, as my tears put a damper on polite conversation.

I was forbidden to read in the same room as my husband because my inadvertent exclamations made him uneasy.

I had to put the book down, several times, to walk away (as it were) …but it continued to call me. “Read the next page. Read the next chapter!”

When I finally exhaled at the last sentence of the final chapter, I felt as if I’d lost a friend. I wanted terribly to open it again and start rereading. (The library called and there is a long list of people that want to read it so reluctantly, I have to give it up.)

Anyone who reads this book will remember the dog they had as a child. They will look at their own dog and realize that the secret life and thoughts there are precious.

This is not just a book about dogs.

It’s about love and trust. Not simply the love and trust of an animal, although the dogs thoughts are so compelling one finds themselves in tears at the pure love. It’s about trust of family, trust of love and trust of one’s own instincts.

This book doesn’t need to strain to stand alongside Steinbeck. There are references to Rudyard Kipling, but also a general feeling of Hamlet by William Shakespeare. Toss in some Steven King or Dean Koontz and you have a book worthy of becoming the next Modern Classic.

Go to the library and get on the list. (I’m sure there is one.) Then read it. Then if you know a boy buy it for him for Christmas.

To think this is David Wroblewski’s only published piece and it took him ten years to write! This author MUST be praised. I only hope he doesn’t go into a “puppy mill” phase, forced to produce. (Pun intended)

Before you go to the library, down your dog – look into his or her eyes – praise him or her and give them a hug.

I'll Go Feed the Birds

2008-09-08T19:38:00.003-04:00

All I want is a little peace,
not the struggle of good and bad,
work and rest
good and evil

But peace to allow myself
to stand quietly
for a while and remark
on how kind things can be…

A sense of complete
and utter balance
in a world that
has none

Take her for instance
the look on her face
of complete compliance
as she offers a sense of

Utter zen
Things do not have to
be this hard …nor this
complicated

I think I’ll go feed the birds.

Ghost Story

2008-07-31T19:42:00.000-04:00

Nothing much has changed
since her fall from grace
a few glasses of drink
and he says "I’m going to bed."
She echoes, "I’ll race you!"
Next thing she knows
she’s hit her head and
fallen
fallen
fallen
through the banister
to the sofa below
cracking her back
and injuring her shoulder
and arm
and ribs

as she bites his finger
while he tries to clear
airways and start C.P.R.
He - screaming her name all
the while

She knows she has bought tomatoes –
they sit on the railings on the deck
turning blood red –She picked corn
all on her own and found it odd the
farmer wouldn’t take her cash -
and cleaned bathrooms and
vacuumed –even considered
painting the hall

if she could find the energy again
but her arm hurts and her ribs and
that nasty shoulder that doesn’t want
to heal

She watched him tonight, sharpening her
knives, the ones she used the most
Walking the dog that doesn’t seem to want
anything more from her – but wants to
whine more than usual

as she turns on the water to rinse a pan- and he sharply
turns it off
then up to bed he goes as she sets the timer on the
dishwasher and adds to the load

Curling into him, speaking over the noise of the television she asks
"Did I die in the fall?"

He doesn’t hear her. Just –
Curls into his pillow and cries.

The Invisible Woman

2008-07-15T14:59:00.001-04:00

Call me the invisible woman
raised by a mother in
the late 50’s or early 60’s
helping out around the house
while she worked – often late
to help put food on the
table
and
clothes (the right ones)
on our backs

Attending high school
in the 70’s
where young women were
encouraged to “HAVE IT ALL!”
career and family
it could be ours
and I bought it
hook
line
and anchor

I attended college -
was going to be
the next Barbara Walters
or better yet
some hot new reporter
cracking the big story
getting kudos from
my peers
maybe a big city
or a big fish
in
a
small pond

Not that I regret it -
not one sweet
moment of
my decision
to marry and
have a family
Never has there
been one regret -
my children are my
life and it has
been a good one-
a very
good
one

But late at
night when the
dog is snoring
louder than the
husband
and my eyes open
involuntarily -
I watch the invisible woman
listen to the wolves named
Incompetence and
Fear

Marco! Polo!

2008-06-12T21:26:00.002-04:00

I hear the children in their pool next door singing "Marco! Pollo!"

I never learned that game. I was thrust into the world of laps and times and competitive swimming early in my years. I never figured out the rules.

Tonight, my front door neighbor proudly showed off her one year old son. She is so endeared of his accomplishments. He sees my dog in the front yard and says "Daw! Daw! Daw!" He is crawling all over the sidewalk.

It made me chew the inside of my mouth. He should be saying Mamma. Dadaaa. Daog, Cat. House. Water. Eat. Pee. Poop. Hot……etc.

They are young and happy with his progress.

I chew the inside of my mouth because at his age, my children were running; not walking and forming complete sentences. I am not delusional in thinking and remembering this.

In the fourth grade, my oldest read "The Lord of the Flies" and understood it and wrote a complete narrative explaining it.

There is a fine line - One that intercedes and one that leaves things alone and allows them to become comfortable.

I think tomorrow he learns to say Mama.

But not in an interfering way.

It all starts with play.

Marco! Pollo!

Interlude

2008-06-01T19:44:00.005-04:00

Life has a way of knocking one back a few pegs

and setting up the blocks again

to tease you

taunt you

aggrivate you

Like a black dog living

in the alley way

none of this has to be true

Snarling black dog in the

alley way

You have to believe...

it's not you

Or your kid

~Your one true love~

Hitting the bricks alone

Your only heart aches

Trying to make things better for him

knowing that your efforts are dead

clearly hoping for his best interests

Knowing he has to face this alone

Alone: alone is a hard word

It's a difficult word

is a hard word for a parent to hear

Black dog sitting in the alley way

someone wants to come home

snarling comes from independence

I think someone needs a good bone

Seventeen Year Locust

2008-05-29T14:12:00.003-04:00

Picture Courtesy of Rick Lee: Charleston WV

The seventeen year locusts have attacked. Hundreds of thousands of them are whirring through my woods. The sound is deafening - like a million tiny buzz saws moving through the trees.

These nasty bugs erupt from the ground every seventeen years, shed their exoskeleton and fly into the tree tops. Here they nibble on the leaves, breed, drop their larvae to the ground where they burrow into the ground. The larvae feed on the tender roots of the trees and seventeen years later, we have it all again.

It's both facinating and gross at the same time!

P.S. Today is my birthday.

God Help Me One Day.

2008-05-17T19:37:00.005-04:00

I was on the hunt for flowers. Just not any flowers, but something special for my window box outside my kitchen window.

Walking in front of the local Kroger store, I noticed a woman in her 80’s pushing a grocery cart.
I smiled at her. She smiled at me.

I moved on to check out the flowers on the "front porch" finding that I didn’t want to buy a complete flat of flowers. "Do they not understand that one doesn’t want a flat? Can’t I just buy a few ?"

Walking back to the car, the little old woman was suddenly in front of me.

"I lost my car."

"You what?"

"I lost my car. I can’t find my car."

"Who drove you here?"

"No one, I drove myself," she said in broken English.

"What kind of car do you have?"

"It’s a Cadillac CTS." She replied."

"Okay, Do you have a keybob with an alarm? "

She fished in her pocket and brought out the keybob with about seven functions on it.

"I tell you what. Why don’t you walk out there and push the horn buttons and aim it in the direction of your car. The alarm will sound and then you can find your car. "

I walked away for a few minutes to find my husband. I was sure he would be exiting the store with our purchases at this time. I met him at the door.

Just as I was trying to explain to him my strange experience, I heard a car alarm go off.

"I’ll be back in a minute."

Three isles over, she stood in bewilderment, trying to follow the sound of the alarm, across a very busy parking lot, her groceries still sitting on the curb.

"Do you hear it?" I asked her as I approached her. "It’s right over there." By now I was pointing to the noise.

"I thank you so much, my dear."

I just have to smile.

God help me. One day.

Primary

2008-05-13T18:24:00.000-04:00

I voted today.

Just before I walked into the high school to cast my ballet, I said a prayer of thanks for my mother, my grandmothers and my great-grandmothers. I thanked them for the honor and the privilege – no, the inalienable right to vote in a national election.

This evening, watching the news, I saw a young black mother leading her daughter by the hand to the election polls.

I was happy for her.

I hope she remembered to say a prayer as well.

What Do You Get?

2008-05-07T19:38:00.003-04:00

What do you get the woman that has had everything?

I've looked at cards. I've searched the web. I've opted for anything worthy of my seventy-four year old Mother and I for the life of me am stuck!

I got her rose bushes last year, but she had nowhere to plant them. In years past I have purchased for her things she might enjoy, but she never mentioned them after.

What do I do? What do I do?

I adore my Mom. If I could give her the world, I would. I would lasso the moon. I would capture the sun's light. I would turn back time!

Mother's Day is such a cruel trick on children who have lived long enough to be their mother's age.

Darwinism

2008-05-01T19:46:00.003-04:00

My father will kill me.

Husband and I were talking on the deck tonight, between martinis, about religion and faith. I was raised a Methodist, as was he. The only problem is, we've lost our Methodist faith.

I explained to him that as long as my trees come back every year and fill my soul with green, I believe that God has smiled on me through nature. He agreed.

We discussed "The Money Changers" in the Bible. How religion has become so tainted with people that expect to be paid for doing the work of the Holy.

Yet the trees, the land, the Earth doesn't expect payment, only respect.

This is not to say that the Ten Commandments can not be honored. They are probably the first instructions for a civilized life. Then add to that the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you..

Does that not bring us back to the land and our brethren?

It all comes back to respect.

I have raised two males to respect us and the land and each other. Should I have given them a sense of the cosmic? Should I have lied to them?

The world and the word is awsome, and should be studied. However, in this life to be sensible and calm and appreciate what is given is most appropriate.

As I said, my father is going to kill me for this. I'm sorry Daddy. These are my beliefs. Blame it on the Darwin Youth Minister you had fired when I was fifteen.

Rescuing Lilac

2008-04-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

There I am

in my slippers

sweater covering my ears

rescuing my lilacs

to cut them to death - bring them

in.

The fragrance is

is beyond heady

some of the blossoms lost

but rescuing my lilacs

before the last frost

helped me remember

a good lot.

The crabbapple will suffer

lost one this last year

the peepers have stopped

calling

I fear

But rescuing my lilacs

I know, it's not right

to allow one's self to

consider the plight

Of one luscious blossom

and bring it inside

But rescuing the Lilac

Gives me such pride.

My mother did the same

twenty-nine years ago

while I sat on a stoop

in my bath robe and moped.

My wedding day

she did the same

she rescued the lilacs

I do to this day.

Meme. ME! ME!

2008-04-24T19:48:00.002-04:00

I've been tagged again by my dear friend Minx. (Has she nothing better to do that interrupt my slumbers?)

I was snoring and drooling and then got hit with this. First on her list no less, just to see if I'm awake. Thanks for the wake up call, Kate.

Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

I've been reading a lot, trying to stoke the fire that has been long since become a smolder. Here is the book.

Bloodroot: An Appalachian Woman's Anthology:

I remember not being amazed that the only thing they would buy in town was coffee and sugar, that everything else needed was either made or grown or bartered for. I rememeber that marveling at how cruel the cycles of mother earth could be, but that it just wasI remember how we always planted a seedling for anything important in the family: births, deaths and weddings.

Thank you to Minx: http://innerminx.blogspot.com/

I "TAG"

Jack: http://cappuccinoheights.blogspot.com/

Anna: http://anna-pendragon.blogspot.com/

Sammy: http://hudson-chronicles.blogspot.com/

Soulless: http://unguarded--utterance.blogspot.com/

Seamus: http://shamelesswords.blogspot.com/

Holding Spencer

2008-04-13T19:37:00.002-04:00

Woke up this morning

deeply in pain

figuring I'd fallen

last night some time in

my perambulisms

I said nothing

fixed breakfast for the family

lifting frying pans

cleaning pots

concerned I was dying

until

I mentioned this evening

to my husband

that my ribs hurt so badly

like I'd been punched

"What have I done?"

"You held Spencer yesterday

for over an hour."

he replied simply

He must have been paying attention.

It's been years since I've

had a 'Babe in Arms'.

I would carry my own babies

for hours, relentlessly

but my body has grown so old,

it turns on me at times

...but holding Spencer,

for an hour while his mother

Simply ate her meal, feeling

him strain against me

caring for that tiny body

already, at four and a half months,

recovering from two

Open heart surgeries

Hold Spencer, while he wanted

his mother

and watching as he learned to

follow my voice with his

eyes, grasping at toys

passing gas;

and holding Spencer,

Just holding him

I fell in love.

I wonder if my body

was out of practice or

simply absorbing

some of his pain?

An Interesting Experience

2008-03-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

The strangest thing happened this afternoon. I was on the deck sitting in the sun reading a book, when the dog went completely bolistic. I got up to pull her from the front windows when the door bell rang and then the front door opened. I thought it was an intruder and I yelled, "NO!". The door slammed shut. I got the dog under control and stepped out.

One lone little boy about the age of 4 1/2 or 5 standing there with my doggy door bell in his hand. I asked if I could have it back and he handed it to me, then opened his arms and wrapped them around my legs and said "Hiiiiiiii!"

"Where do you live?"

he repeated, "Where do you live?"

What is your name?

"What is your name?"

I took him to the end of the sidewalk, knowing there were new neighbors at the end of the street. "You want to show me where you live?"

"You want to show me where you live?" he repeated.

We started walking. I didn't know what to do. We came to the first house with a playground in the front yard. "Is this where you live?"

"PBS Kids rule!" he started singing.

We walked, hand in hand up to the front door where I rang the bell. I could see people there but they didn't answer the door. "Is this where you live?"

"There is a playground! Is this where you live?"
"What is your name?"

He repeated. "What is your name?"

We continued up the culdisac hand in hand. I would ask a question and he would repeat it. I could hear something in the woods and as I got closer I could hear a frantic screams of a woman calling "Antonio! Come home Antonio! I love you!"

As we got closer to the house I started calling, "I found your little boy!"

Closer to her house she heard me. She came out of the woods weeping hysterically. Calling "Antonio! Antonio!"

I think she hugged me three times. I told her to calm down, her boy was home and if I could ever help again, please call my cell.

My heart wrenched for her. I can't imagine having a child missing.

She told me, "He is Autistic and has moderate RA."

I just know I found a new friend....and I don't mind running a sweep the next time he decides to go on the lamb.

He was an Angel.

I called Ian's Jennifer later to explain his symptoms. She said it was Echo Autism. But can I tell you the pure joy of holding his hand and talking to him? Like a visit from God himself.

Don't Expect Any Easter Eggs.

2008-03-20T19:15:00.000-04:00