My Inaugural Address

(Prompted by my writing group to write my own in inaugral address: Here it is.

My Inaugural Address

Members of Congress, Mr. Chief Justice, President and Vice-President and my fellow citizens of this great nation:

First of all, I want to thank you for this glorious day! Who knew that Global Warming could be so marvelous! It’s January and feels like May already! Whooo hooo! Let’s give it up for Global Warming!

Second, I would like to invite you all back to the Rose Garden for cookies and punch. I made the cookies myself. Secret Service would not allow me to make the punch. They said something about alcohol content and Security issues. Go figure!

As I face this great and wonderful nation, I have to tell you, I don’t have a clue what to say. I can’t even find my way to the ladies room in that big White House. I had to pee in a few potted plants out of necessity. Really, I hope I didn’t kill them.

I would like to address three things to you on this grand day.

First: National security. I will approach Congress and ask them to build a fence, not only at our Mexican boarder, but also around the entire perimeter of the United States. Everyone that pays taxes and has a passport will receive a key in lieu of a tax return.

Second: That money that President Bush sent you in way of a buy off. Your taxes, I’m sorry to say, will go up that exact amount next year. Call it a loan. I hope you spent it wisely!

Third: Iraq. I’m pulling all of our troops out. These people have been killing each other for centuries. They are third world nations. Hell, if Jesus couldn’t help them figure it out, then I’m sure as hope not going to interfere. Let them go ahead. We’ll just sit back and watch.

Finally, I want to say to you, we are one great nation. I promise a chicken in every pot this week. (Kroger has whole birds at $0.49 a lb. Next week it’ll be turkey!)

Everybody go the Rose Garden!!!

Race ya!